A Two Towers Commentary: Brought to you by Piper
by Call me Mel
Summary: If three fictional girls were to go to see the Two Towers on opening night, garbed in Middle-Earthen wear, and one *fictional* girl, said author, were be a Tolkienfiend, the viewing might go somewhat what like this...


PLEASE don't steal these words of witticism. Wit comes VERY rarely my way, and, when it does, I am sure to share it with you, but PLEASE!! PLEASE DON'T TAKE WHAT LITTLE I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!! ::sobs::

Okay ::suddenly rather happy::, so, here 'tis! ENJOY!!!! And, don't ask about Weesin's name. She's very sensitive about it. It's not her fault that her parents are Canadian Gypsies. ::pats Weesin on the back::

**'s indicate actual movie parts. The rest is me and my insane minions.

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**Narrator: Frodo must have eaten too many mushrooms. In a Flashback of Moria...**

_*Gandalf holds up his staff and slams it down on the bridge.   "You cannot pass! I am servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow! You cannot pass!"__The Balrog falls, etc. Gandalf falls._

_Boromir's face comes into view as he looks on in horror*._

Piper sits bolt upright and bounces, pointing: IT'S BOROMIR!

_*Frodo tries to get to Gandalf. "GANDAAAAALF!"_

_Boromir holds him back, " NOOO!"*_

Piper points again to the screen, a fiendish smile on her face, "LOOK! It's BOROMIR'S ARM!!!!!!!!! HE LIVES!!!!!!"

Weesin looks at Piper concernedly, "Don't you mean, Frodo lives? That's what's written on all those bookmarks and stickers.  Or Gandalf?" She grins at the thought that Gandalf comes back and bounces in the rather cushy theatre seats.

Taylor shakes her head, muttering softly to herself, "Fools. Fools!"

Piper, however, persists, making no sign that she has heard Taylor or her denunciation. She waves her hand in an irritated fashion, "Frodo-schmodo. Olorin-bolorin.  BOROMIR LIVES!!!!!"

Weesin coughs, "Aragorn!"

Piper looks back up at the screen quickly. "Where?"

"Fools!"

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**Narrator: At Barad-dur!**

_Red eye of Sauron glows and chanting is heard,_ "Ugluk, ash naz gark, goo-rook, VISINE! Nash zark…"

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**Narrator (in a very announcer-ish voice): Oh no! Aragorn is up a creek! Is this the end of our triumphant trio? Has Aragorn breathed his last? Noooo. Not if Piper has anything to do with it!**

_  
  
_

_*Aragorn is knocked out, floating in the river and sees Arwen, and smiles… like that is the most **natural** thing to see.* _  

(Piper in an imitation of Aragorn and Arwen mutters to Weesin:)

"Am I dreaming again?"

Arwen kisses him. "No, you're just dead."

Aragorn smiled and shrugs. "Oh, okey."

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_*Brego the horse comes up and nuzzles Aragorn*._ "Awww… Arwen. Whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Oh, it's you Prego, or… Ragu, or some form of Pasta…"

Piper leans in to explain to Weesin, "Brego is the name of Aragorn's horse, although, in the BOOKS, his horse is named Hasufel. Not that I pay attention to details or anything..."

Taylor sighs. "Dorks."

Piper looks at her sharply. "You would not use that term so lightly if you knew what it meant."

"What? Does it mean something in Sindarin?" Taylor asks sarcastically.

Piper thinks for a moment, making entish noises. "Hum... hoom... I don't think so."

Taylor rolls her eyes. "Fools."

Weesin smiles. "Fool of a Taylor!"

Piper hits Weesin, "That's MY phrase... or rather, my application of Gandalf's phrase!"

The Narrator clears his throat and wishes to continue on with the commentary...

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**_Narrator: Aragorn talking to Legolas at Helm's Deep_**

_*Legolas looks at the people of Rohan with his "keen elvish eyes" and mutters to Aragorn in Elvish, "They are all scared. I see it in their eyes. And they should be! They are all going to die!"*_

Aragorn grits his teeth and looks at Legolas, responding in Elvish, "Nu-uhhhh!!!! There _is still hope_! I'm ESTEL!"

Narrator: Piper interrupts her own commentary to explain.

Piper explains to Weesin that "Estel" means "Hope" in Quenya.

Weesin nods appreciatively. "Oh, thanks."

"Quenya is the elvish language."

Weesin becomes offended. "I KNOW THAT! You correct me on my Spanish, must you correct me on my Elvish?"

Taylor smiles. "I think it's called Quenya."

"AARGH!"

Narrator: Continuing on with Piper's commentary...

Legolas pokes Aragorn in the chest and addesses Aragorn still in Elvish, "YOU'RE NAMED ESTEL! GIRLY-GIRL! PANSY!!! AND YOU'RE IN CHARGE! There ARE all going to DIE!"

Aragorn, clearly angry beyond intelligible thought, responds in Common Tongue, "DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY NAME! It's very manly…" he mutters some more and Legolas leans in to make out the words.

Narrator: Piper siezes this opportunity to once more intrude on her own commentary. 

She leans in to tell Weesin, "The Common Tongue is called Westron."

Taylor smiles. "Or Adunaic, depending on which culture.

Piper blinks and looks at Taylor. "Or, inclusively, Mannish. Wait... Tay... You didn't even finish the book..."

"Cliffnotes."

Narrator: Now, where was she? Oh, yes.

_*Aragorn quits muttering and bellows in Westron... or Adunaic, depending on which culture, "THEN I WILL DIE AS ONE OF THEM!"*_

The men look from their loitering and stare at him.

Aragorn bites his lip, and from the impassioned expression on his face, it is clear he is thinking only one thing: "Awww… CRAP! I shouldn't have said that in Mannish!"

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Later…**

_*Legolas jumps on top of a shield and slides down the stairs on it.*_

Piper: He was a skater boi, she said see you later boy!

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**_Narrator: Meanwhile, Back in Mordor_**

_*Frodo wanders away from Samwise and Smeagol.*_ "OH! I hear strange bird calls! Given my natural affinity towards danger and a curiosity which leads me to certain death causing my friends to always bail me out, I think I'll follow it!"

_*Sam joins Frodo, and they watch the movie at a disquietingly close distance.  They are then grabbed by Ithilien Rangers.*_

Sam slaps his forhead. "Oh!  That's why I followed him! I need to bail Frodo out once again as his stupidity and curiousity have led him into certain death!"

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_**

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**_Narrator: Only slightly later, at the Forbidden Pool..._**

_*Faramir snarls and grabs Frodo, shaking him vigorously.  "GIVE ME THE RING!"*_

Frodo frees himself easily from Faramir. "HEY! That's not in the book! Gimme that script! "  

Faramir looks at Frodo, rather confused at this improvisation. 

Frodo inspects the script, turning through several pages.

Faramir leans back on the rock of the cave and sighs, motioning for the cameras to stop filming. "Yeah, well, we all know that SOME of the actors didn't read the books until AFTER they were cast…" He looks significantly at Elijah Wood, thinking, 'Look at him, turning those pages pretending he can read… I'm surprised he even knew how I acted in the book at all!' Outloud, he adds (seeing that Elijah didn't get the drift) "How would you know, Elijah? You didn't even *read* the books before you got the part!"

Frodo tosses the script aside, shrugs, and lets Faramir resume shaking him violently. "Hey… I was… busy.  Maybe some of the script writers didn't either."

Faramir shakes him vigorously, rolling his eyes. 'I hate to be the bad guy…'

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**_Narrator: Meanwhile this is going on, our other friends are making their way to Helm's Deep..._**

_*Gimli tells Eowyn, "In fact, sometimes, female dwarfs can't be distinguished from dwarf men!"*_

Piper jokes in response to Gimli, as though she were there, "You know… because of the beards and whatnot."

_*Aragorn mouths to Eowyn, motioning to his chin with his hands, "It's the beards!"*_

Piper grins and claps her hands. "I KNEW IT! We're soulmates!"

Weesin hits Piper. "Excuse me? You can't claim him like that!"

Taylor hits Weesin for hitting Piper.  "That's not nice! I wanna watch the movie!"

Weesin glares at Piper menacingly. "Piper was trying to claim Aragorn," she tells Taylor, not taking her eyes off of Piper.

Taylor hits Piper angrily.  "YOU CANNOT!"

Piper shrugs and looks back at the movie screen. "You two still haven't finished the first book. I can claim ANYTHING I want!"

Weesin looks at her indignantly. "Oh YEAH? Like WHO?"

Piper smiles and shrugs easily. "Like Faramir. You haven't even READ about him yet."

Taylor snorts and looks back at the movie screen. "Take him. He's a jerk," she says indifferently.

Piper gets defensive and reaches over Weesin to grab Taylor's shoulder. "NOOOO! That's in the MOVIE! In the books he's kind, and… and compassionate, and smart, and sagacious, and… perfect."

Weesin rolls her eyes, understanding all too well Piper's fanatic infatuation with book characters.  She looks back up at the movie screen,"Just lemme watch the movie!" she tells them agitatedly.

Piper narrows her eyes, lets go of Taylor, and grabs Weesin instead. "READ THE BOOK!"

Theoden looks out at the hoard of orcs. "Is this all you have, Saruman?"

Piper does an uncanny imitation of Theoden's voice, "I know I'm cursing my people by saying that, because there is always a terrible Hollywood irony whenever anyone makes such a bold statement as that, but I will be sure to do it at least three more times before the movie is over. Yes…"

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Eowyn swings her sword and tries to lunge, but the skirt rips. "Skirts can be so **_irksome_**!!!"

Gimli nods empathetically, looking down at his own garb.  "I KNOW!"

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Piper quotes with Thoeden:

Where is horse and the rider?  
Where is the horn that was blowing?

They have passed like rain on the mountain-

Weesin hits Piper and points to the man sitting next to Piper, who is glaring at her angrily for being a disturber of the peace.

Taylor is about to hit Weesin for disturbing the peace (and… simply because she likes hitting people), but stops. "Wait… is she trying to claim Aragorn again?"

Weesin thinks, rubbing her chin cunningly. "Why… yeeeesssssss."

Taylor hits Piper instead. 

Piper gives a squeak of agitation, "Ook! HEY!"

Weesin rubs her hands together, a devious smile on her face, "Yeessssss… prrrrecious…"

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As our three crazed teenagers (well, perhaps Taylor is the only sane one among the three) rise to leave the theatre, there are whispers and points. "Oh, *that's* the girl who was talking throughout" they say, pointing at Piper.  "It figures she'd dress up.  She's one of *those* people."

Piper winks at them.


End file.
